This blog started off talking about Dad’s but as I wrote more and more it was clear this article is about co-parenting. It looks at how the non-birthing partner has a huge role which can sometimes be over-looked or underappreciated. It is easy to moan about our partners but with a little bit of understanding which doesn’t always come easy when we’re tired and emotional, we need to be considerate in our communication with each other. I think it is important for both sides in a relationship to understand what the other person is experiencing and potentially feeling. It helps us to support our partners or co-parent to be aware of how to help them and encourage them.
There is a lot of information and focus on how important it is to care for mother and then on mother and baby post-delivery. Midwife appointments are generally just for the birthing parent and the partner can get left out. This can already start creating a divide. It would be more helpful if rather than saying that the partner needs to support the birthing parent, we focus more on how couples can support each other.
Partners play a huge part during the labour and delivery of their little one. They offer support both physically and emotionally as well as acting as an advocate for the birthing parent.
Did you know that one in ten dads suffer from postnatal depression? That means that in nearly every antenatal class at least one of those dads will suffer. Unfortunately, there is a lack of knowledge, information and understanding of this condition and so it often goes undetected. It may cause problems within the relationship and can impact the dad’s self-esteem and confidence with their baby and their partner. Men are less likely to ask for support and help or perhaps even acknowledge how they are feeling. This isn’t an article specifically on postnatal depression, that is a future blog.
People are always going to approach situations differently. It is important that we are open minded and don’t dismiss what our partner is saying. Often there are two ways to do things and just because your baby likes things a certain way with you, doesn’t mean they won’t prefer something else with your partner. I see this often when I look after little ones. I will always ask how your baby likes to be soothed but sometimes that doesn’t work for me and baby, and I’ll try something else which might work well.
Self-care is as important for partners/dad’s as it is for birthing parents. It’s the age old saying that we cannot pour from an empty cup. To give your best you need to look after yourself which includes:
Sleep. Which I know can be really challenging with a newborn. I often recommend taking the nights in shifts, if possible, as sometimes babies just want to be cuddled and not necessarily be fed.
Exercise. This might mean going to the gym or playing a team sport or it could be more basic like going for a walk and taking baby out to give your partner a break.
Socialising. It’s important to catch up with our friends. This might mean that you need to be more creative and perhaps do lunchtime catch ups instead of after work drinks. Maybe it’s catching up on the weekends during the day. I know as a new mum I found it hard when my husband was socialising with his mates after work on a Friday night or after a long day at the sports club. I would have found it much more manageable if the socialising had been done during the day when I had more energy to look after my baby. Often after a long day with a baby it can feel tough also having a long evening alone with them too.
Communication is always key. Every couple will have different views and opinions on how they do things and what is acceptable and what isn’t which may affect all the topics I mentioned above. When Dad is holding/looking after baby it’s important to let them take control and let them find their own feet. This will allow them to find out what works for them. Try not to follow them around and certainly don’t criticise what they are doing. Micromanaging isn’t a great way to build confidence. Try not to tell your partner how to do things, instead you could say, " I've found burping baby this way quite effective? What works for you? " Or you could say, "that looks interesting how do you do that?" Try not to belittle them as they are less likely to try and their confidence may be dented. Again, talk about things that are important and acknowledge that there are different ways to do things. Come to a compromise. You have both created this little person and you both want the best for them. Our own upbringings come into play when we have our own children, and it is about finding a comfortable place that you both agree upon. I have previously helped find research for couples when one couple has had a strong opinion on something, which helped her to explain her point of view to not just her partner but his family. It put them in a much better position to move forward with co-parenting. Don't forget that your baby needs both of you.
Parenthood is hard and co-parenting can be even harder if communication, understanding and compassion are not in place. Both parents often struggle at times in different ways. It may not be in the newborn phase but may be as the little one gets older. Resentment can creep in. Dad’s do not have it easy and need to be looked after as well. Let’s support each other so that you can both support your little person.